My Bill Maher Fantasy
And finally, New Rule: if you're going to keep talking about sex, people are going to think you’re a perverted creep.
Let me start by saying I enjoy what Bill Maher does - well, not his stand up, but I like Real Time - and I’ll watch his podcast Club Random when he has someone on that I like. However, he constantly interrupts his guests and can sometimes be rude, like he was to Greg Gutfeld, who flew from New York to L.A. to be on the show only to spend less than an hour with Bill who cut the podcast short because he was having dinner with Arianna Huffington without having the decency to invite Greg - you could tell Greg was disappointed. Decent people don’t treat people like that.
Bill, a weed smoker who at 69 still calls it “pot” and thinks its cool, has a reputation for being a short-tempered diva. One insider compared his tantrums to those of a child whose parents won’t buy the brat ice cream. In the past, if a member of his Real Time studio audience would groan or not laugh at one of his jokes, it would upset him, so now I’m told the majority of those in the audience are paid regulars. More recently, an unpaid audience member - possibly a tourist from the South who had saved for three years just so he could afford to travel to LA to see his favorite comedian of all time - took a photo of Bill during the monologue. When Maher spotted the fan, he chastised the guy and called him a selfish asshole, publicly embarrassing him for all to see. The next day, that audience member was found dead in his hotel room. OK, he wasn’t, but it’s not inconceivable. When you treat people that way, who’s to say how they will react?
Like most celebrities, Bill lives in a bubble, surrounded by paid sycophantic staff who know they must agree with everything he says and tell him all of his ideas are amazing, even if they’re not or risk being fired.
For years, not much was known about Bill’s private life that was until he launched his podcast Club Random. On the show he tells guests how he’s never been married, smokes “pot,” never had kids, and, when he’s talking to an African American he’ll mention that he’s friends with Kid from 80s rap duo Kid ’n Play. But he’ll also speak about sex - he’s obsessed with it to the point that it makes me think he’s addicted to it, like Michael Douglas once was. He recently told Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins that he watches pornography every day, and he once quipped that masturbates twice daily too.
Bill has also told a number of guests including Greg Gutfeld that when he masturbates he has to imagine a real-life situation that could possibly happen. I’ll admit I used to do this too, but that was when I was a teenager, not an adult. Nowadays I hardly touch the thing, and to be honest neither does anyone else - but I digress. Is Bill’s need for real life sexual fantasies the reason why he interviewed Hailey Welch, the “Hawk Tuah” girl? Did he need new material for his dirty little hand party?
Bill, also talks like a pervert, often using misogynistic language, with phrases like “nothing wetten’s (sic) panties” when talking about a woman being excited about something. He also asked Tommy Lee who he thought had the biggest penis in The Beatles. What kind of person even thinks about something like that?
Below is a joke that some may find offensive. Don’t read if you’re easily offended or if you’re name is Bill Maher
Anyway, all of this has led me to having a fantasy of my own.
One day, Bill Maher is sitting in front of his computer masturbating to porn. When he finishes, he realizes that his assistant has moved the box of Real Time with Bill Maher branded tissues he uses to clean up his sticky muck to the other side of the room. Angry and swearing to himself, the 69 year old, with sperm dripping all over his dainty legs and carpeted floor, stands up. Forgetting that his underwear is still wrapped around his ankles., when he tries to walk, he falls to the floor.
Bill, who secretly has osteoporosis, struggles to pull himself up. He shouts for his assistant, but it’s 6 o’clock and the assistant has left for the day - or so he thinks. In fact, the assistant hasn’t left and sees half naked Bill wriggling around on the floor like a worm but he decides to leave him there for the night as revenge for all the times he’s been shouted at.
Alone, Bill begins to weep and shouts “What have I become?” With the word come echoing in his head it triggers a Pavlovian response. Bill wipes his tears, sighs, and starts masturbating again.
The following morning, Bill’s assistant enters the room to find Maher lying on the floor in a puddle of his own making and covered in sperm. As the assistant helps him to his feet, Bill fires him for moving the Real Time with Bill Maher branded tissue box from its usual place on the desk and tells him to get out. As the assistant leaves, he hears Bill scream for help from the staircase.
Apparently, the semen from the constant masturbating while lying on the floor had made Bill’s hands so sticky that as he grabbed the handrail his hand became stuck to it. The assistant didn’t return, and Bill - his hand stuck - was trapped on the staircase. However, one hand was free, allowing Bill to continue masturbating until he was freed a few days later by a concerned friend who hadn’t heard from him in a few days. That friend was Kid from 80s rap group Kid N’Play. Fin.
Below is a compilation we made of Bill’s sex chat on Club Random which influenced this story. #NSFW